Bleached Bone: Issue 1
I recently heard from an incredibly unreliable source that "some
scientist(s), somewhere" planned to use the dried blood from the Shroud of
Turin to clone Christ (so we all assume). This of course assumes that the
following are all true:
-The Scroud of Turin contains useable blood samples (I was not aware that
any blood has been identified upon it).
-That the blood belongs to Jesus Christ.
-That the carbon dating performed upon the Shroud was incorrect (by well
over a thousand years).
-The entire process actually works.
However, if the Shroud contains blood samples from the biblical
figure Jesus Christ, humanity could be looking at the return of the
Messiah. Yeah, Christ may not have been the messiah in the first place, but
let's just assume that he was. Sort of ironic that science, often portrayed
as anti-religous in nature, may actually be the cause of the return of
Christ. All of us out here who are doubting the validity of the original
Christ's claims can finally see some real proof.
Luckily enough for all of the gOD-fearing sheep out there, the Pope
got wind of this experiment and demanded all the pieces of the Shroud back
(small samples had been taken a few years ago for the dating process). And
I would never had known about any of this if not for being informed by my
nameless friend (we'll call him Stevie D.)
Another hard night spent making Double-Decker Taco Supremes (tm),
Bacon Double-Cheeseburger Burritos (tm) and Santa Fe Chicken Gorditas (tm).
Oh, yeah, before I forget, have you seen the advertisement for the new
Gorditas (tm)? They've got this dumb-ass gerbil on it, with his psycho
grin, and his little blood red-communist hat. The Gordita (tm) is a
"revolution for your taste buds". The obvious ties between the Soviets and
Taco Bell are killing me. And the problem is that in this modern age, our
"quick-serve" Mexican restaurants can be infiltrated by the Communists, and
no one will be the wiser. It makes one dream of the good-old days when the
boys from Washington would put every damn socialist-Taco Bell employee in
jail for Anti-American activity! Ah, those were the days. . . Mmmm,
Nixon. . .
Now a quick exerpt from the Necronomicon (written by Abdul Alhazred):
The Exorcism BARRA EDINNAZU For Spirits Who Attack The Circle
ZI ANNA KANPA!
ZI KIA KANPA!
GALLU BARRA!
NAMTAR BARRA!
ASHAK BARRA!
GIGIM BARRA!
ALAL BARRA!
TELAL BARRA!
MASQIM BARRA!
UTUQ BARRA!
IDPA BARRA!
LALARTU BARRA!
LALLASSU BARRA!
AKHKHARU BARRA!
URUKKU BARRA!
KIELGALAL BARRA!
LILITU BARRA!
UTUQ XUL EDIN ZU!
ALLA XUL EDIN ZU!
GIGIM XUL EDIN ZU!
MULLA XUL EDIN ZU!
DINGIRXUL XUL EDIN ZU!
MASQIM XUL EDIN ZU!
BARRA!
EDINNAZU!
ZI ANNA KANPA! ZI KIA KANPA!
Neither I (MR. BOJANGLeS) nor the Mad Arab are responsible in any
way for what this incantation is used for or it's effects, be them desired
or not.
I was reading the latest Dragon magazine (# one forty-something,
maybe five, or six?) and saw a review for the newest Vampire: The Dark Ages
3-in-1 clanbook. It contained Ventrue, Lasombra and Tzimisce. Now as a big
fan of the Tzimisce (especially in Dark Ages) I was horrified when they
complained about the Tzimisce entry! Suppossodly, they were portrayed as
too "brutal and murderous"* and didn't bother to play up the "inhuman"*
aspect. There are two possible sides to this issue. . .
(* these are not quotes, but very similar statements)
(1) White Wolf has become lowered their standards, and have managed
to publish a piece of material that is not a masterpiece. Dragon magazine's
reviewers are, once again, correct.
(2) Dragon Magazine, published by a company owned by the makers of
MAGIC! have once again managed to spread viscous lies about one of the
greatest game publishers ever. Clearly they're bitter about their multiple
recent failures (Spellfire, Blood Wars, Dragon Dice, Alternity, and a host
of others).
TSR sucks. Actually, Wizards of the Coast suck, and they fucked up
Dragon (the new format is a piece of crap). The only things good to come
out of TSR changing hands is the return of Gary Gygax, and the making of
"Knights of the Dinner Table" a two0page spread.
That's all for tonight folks. Don't forget to tell your friends to
sign up for this FREE service, provided to them by MR. BOJaNGLES. You know
the address.
-For legal reasons I can only sign up people for this service who I have
recieved an email from.
--All misspellings were actually done on purpose.
}>8-O- <--- that is the Devil (or some other bi-pedal horned
creature, for you Scientologists)