Bleached Bone: Issue 2
Hello, and welcome back to the newest issue of Bleached Bone. Yes,
I'm sure that those of you who realize where the name came from are
disgusted with my unoriginality, but, well, deal with it. The name, as well
as the color, kick ass.
The Future of Warfare in America
S.D.I.- An imaginary defense program set up years ago, that manages
to consume 3.4 billion dollares a year, and provide no tangible benefits.
(Strategic Defense Initative)
I.C.B.M.- A giant flying phallus that could wipe out any city in
America in under half an hour. (Inter Continental Ballistic Missile)
M.A.D.- The worlds only, and as of now, most effective defense
system. (Mutually Assured Destruction)
America and Russia have the largest arsenals of nuclear weapons in
the world. Our good friends in the wonderfully stable Middle East, such a
Israel and Iraq, as well as Pakistan and India also have atomic
capabilities. Of course most major European nations also have nuclear
weapons, but they're not run by communist dictatorships, so we have little
to fear from them.
We Americans love to complain about Iraq's arsenal. "Saddam Hussein
has biological and chemical weapons" we proclaim. Clearly any madman who
would possess these must be a criminal. Of course America, with the largest
military budget and collection of nuclear missiles poses no threat to any
country in the world. The world should thank us for having weapons of mass
destruction aimed at their major cities. And where did Iraq get their
weapons? We sold, or in some cases, gave Saddam Hussein his weapons! We
stocked Iraqi weapon bays to the brim with American-made weapons years ago,
when Iraq was at war with Iran.
No one is stupid enough to start a nuclear war. Possibly it's
because I'm growing up in a world with no "Russian Bear" (thanks to Mrs.
Brooks!) to scare the piss out of me, but I'm pretty sure no military
leader would "push the button". The nuclear bomb has existed for over half
a century, and has only been used in one war (and that was before the full
effects were discovered). If America wants Saddam Hussein to give up his
weapons, and show us his hidden stores of biological weapons, maybe we
should stop threatening him, and acting as Israel's "ally". Clearly, we're
allied with Israel so we can get a say in the Middle East, without seeming
like to much of a dumb ass, but, well anyway, this is the end. Let's see
some U.N. weapons inspectors in this country!
I recently purchased the newest Shelter album, "Quest for
Certainty". For those of you who've never heard of Shelter before, they're
classified as Krishna-core, or Hare Krishna Hard Core. This is their fifth
album released, and their first with Revelation Records.
Like all their previous albums, this album's theme is the Hare
Krishna movement, of which all the members of the band are members. This
album is harder then the earlier "Beyond Planet Earth", but not as
bass-driven as "Mantra". It is, however, a delicous blend of guitars,
drums, sound-clips and meaningful lyrics. Songs such as "Freewill" deal
with the topic of deprogramming, and many of the other's deal with the
comfort generated by Krishna, the Supreme Godhead.
After the first eight songs end, another three tracks follow, none
of which are performed by Shelter. They are all religous chanting, prayers
and what sounds like a festival in Hindi. The final track is almost half an
hour long, and is a speech about the nature of the hare Krishna movement,
and the future of religion in America.
On a scale of 1-10, this CD would rate a 9.
PROOF THAT L. RON HUBBARD IS ALIVE AND WELL, AND PLOTTING AGAINST THE
AMERICAN GOVERNMENT
As all good scientologists know, L. Ron Hubbard is undoubtly the
worlds most "spiritually advanced being" (secondary to me, of course), and
is probably the worlds highest Operating Thetan. It is obvious that
something as simple as death (which is really just an engram) could not
stop The Commodore. Clearly Hubbard is alive, and faked his own death to
prevent Xenu's minions from tracking him to Earth and causing even more
"engram clusters".
Luckily for us, Hubbard realized that he was in danger, and went
into hiding, probably in the Scientologists secret anti-matter submarine,
deep in the Pacific Ocean, where he is working on OT VIII (as well as
making more of his famous pirate adventure movies). I've even heard rumours
that David Miscaviage is actually Hubbards brain in a robotic body,
cunningly encased in a layer of artifical skin. Of course this is
ridiculous, as any intelligent person would realize. Hubbard has obviously
underwent extensive surgery, and is now masquerading as Mary Rapp.
You doubt the truth? First look at this list of similarities:
-Both have written over 1,000 pieces of Science Fiction
-Both are founders of modern religions
-Both have boat fetishes
-Both have sworn themselves to the destruction of psychiatry
-Both are waging a legal war with the I.R.S.
-Both have been arrested for "crimes against nature"
You see! Hubbard has once again managed to defeat all of the worlds
governments (good thing we're on to him)!
The Crimson Spectres, an Orlock gang that has terrorized Hive
Primus, on planet Necromunda for the past few weeks is seeking new gangs to
rumble with. Must be willing to fight Scavvies, Redemptionists and
psycho-killers in full body power armor (Spyrers). Desire to scream
insults, move little plastic people around on a table and roll dice for
hours on end required. Miniatures will be supplied. Contact David, at
david.sheldon@usa.net (I foward David's messages to him). This is the first
of my new series of personals. Send any messages you wish me to print in
the next personals section. Send cash too, if possible.
Demonic Spell of the Day (written by Abdul Alhazred)
THE CONJURATION OF THE MOUNTAINS OF MASHU
(A spell to cause consternation in the Enemy, and confuse his thoughts. It
is also a binding, that the evil sorcerer may not see his spells work their
desired ends, but melt away like honey or wax. These Mountains are called
SHADU, and are the hiding places of the Serpents of KUR. A spell to cause
ultimate destruction.)
SHADU YU LIKTUMKUNUSHI
SHADU YU LIKLAKUNUSHI
SHADU YU LINI YIX KUNUSHI
SHADU YU LI YIXSI KUNUSHI
SHADU YU LITE KUNUSHI
SHADU YU LINI KUNUSHI
SHADU YU LINIR KUNUSHI
SHADU YU LIKATTIN KUNUSHI
SHADU YU DANNU ELIKUNU LIMQUT
INA ZUMRA YA LU YU TAPPARRASAMA!
Why Star Wars is the Bible.
The Bible is a very long, boring fantasy story. Star Wars is a very
exciting, fast paced fantasy story (with cool music). But otherwise,
they're virtually identical. I have a quote below to demonstrate this point.
Book of Doodle
(28)And Yoda said unto the people of Bethlehem. (29)Use not the
Force for evil, for this is the Dark Side. And the people said to Yoda,
"how will we know when it is the Light Side?" (30)And Yoda said "when you
are calm, at peace, you will know."
It is a well known biblical fact that if you spell words such as:
Lightsaber, Yoda, Death Star, Mon Calamari, Luke, Chewbacca and Vader
backwards, you end up with the name "Jesus" spelled in every different
language known to man. In fact, some scholars believe that the so-called
"New Testament" was not written until after 1977. Most people, however,
place the New Testaments creation's previous to this, a year or two after
"American Graffiti" was released.
Further proof of this is visible when one looks at basic Christian
dogma. For example, the Trinity is obviously a reference to Vader, Luke and
Obi-Wan Kanobi (Father, Son and Holy Ghost). The Emperor is the Devil, and
John the Baptist is played by Yoda. Actually, to cut costs, Yoda is forced
to play multiple characters. The Bible was clearly written to transform the
Movie Reel of God into a simpler-to-understand form, for the ignorant and
the foolish. Of course, all those who truly seek salvation will continue to
ignore the watered-down-shit being fed to us by mainstream churches, and
continue to study the only unaltered expression of God's love for his
children.
*By the way, Coming Attractions for the Messiah's Second Coming (release of
the new Star Wars movies) can be seen before the X-Files Movie.
Thank you, thank you, I love you all. Tell all your friends about
this, and have them sign up (it's still free!). In fact, any current reader
who convinces some poor sap to sign up will recieve a free gift! Yes, a
free gift! Completely free! Sign up today.
-MR BOJAnGLES
(Back issues can be ordered)