Bleached Bone: Issue 3
It has recently come to my attention that there was some
misunderstanding relating to the article written upon the possible cloning
of Jesus Christ. The person who related the information to be had
apparently not been told that it was actually the plot for an upcoming
movie! Sorry about that. Whoops.
-MR BOJANGLEs
(I'd like to thank Dave Shiao for informing me of this)
Hey hey hey! Greetings from MR BoJANGLES, and sorry about the wait.
I've been very busy/lazy lately, and didn't have the time/willpower to get
this newest edition sent out/written. But this issue is jam-packed of
useless info, stupid jokes, and song lyrics written by the master musician
David Sheldon.
First let's begin with the traditional words of wisdom from the Mad
Arab. And remember, if you can't pronounce it, it must be demonic!
The Exorcism ZI DINGIR
(To be used against any kind of malefick)
ZI DINGIR NNGI E NE KANPA
ZI DINGIR NINGI E NE KANPA
ZI DINGIR ENNUL E NE KANPA
ZI DINGIR NINNUL E NE KANPA
ZI DINGIR ENN KURKUR E NE KANPA
ZI DINGIR NINN KURKUR E NE KANPA
ZI DINGIR N DA SHURRIM MA KANPA
ZI DINGIR NINNDA SHURRIM MA KANPA
ZI DINGIR ENDUL AAZAG GA KANPA
ZI DINGIR NINNDUL AAZAG GA KANPA
ZI DINGIR ENUHDDIL LA KANPA
ZI DINGIR NINN UHDDIL LA KANPA
ZI DINGIR ENMESHIR RAA KANPA
ZI DINGIR NINNME SHIR RAA KANPA
ZI DINGIR ENAA MAA A DINGIR ENLIL LAAGE KANPA
ZI DINGIR NINNA MAA A DINGIR NINNLIL LAAGE KANPA
ZI DINGIR SSISGI GISH MA SAGBA DAA NI IDDA ENNUBALLEMA KANPA
ZI DINGIR BHABBHAR L'GAL DEKUD DINGIR RI ENNEGE KANPA
ZI DINGIR NINNI DUGGAANI DINGIR A NNUNNA IA AN SAGGNNUUNGA GATHA GAN ENE KANPA!
-ABDUL ALHAZRED
Don't you just love when large amounts of text are written in caps
lock? I know that I sure enjoy it...
The Famous Spanish Hardcore Song. Make sure to "sing" (vocalize)
this song in true hardcore fashion. Growling, pauses in midsentence and
purposeful mispronunciation of words is expected. This song should take
well over five minutes to sing (correctly). If you still need assistance,
call the BOJANgLES help line (388-1915), and ask for David. He'll be glad
to demonstrate the correct singing procedure. Copyright 1997, David
Sheldon. Reprinted with permission.
Yo no tengo guantes buenos
Otro vaca en cocinas
CATORCE!!!!
El oso de peluche en tu pantalones
Es el Dia de helicoptero
Que hora es?
El dia de BOJANGLEs
Yo no tengo guantes buenos
Otro vaca en cocinas
CATORCE!!!!
Muero mucho en escuela
Comen el libros
Vomito projectile en las clases
Verde sotano!
Yo no tengo guantes buenos
Otro vaca en cocinas
CATORCE!!!!
Servilleta de gordo
Servilleta de gordo
Servilleta de gordo!!!!!!!!
Now for one more piece of "old work". Below are the
slightly-modified "interviews" with the Dave Matthews Band/Dance of the Mad
Bastards. Note: these are all fictional. If for some reason you take
offense, don't bother to tell me, 'cause I really don't care. It's just
fiction!
And here we are, the Interview with the Dave Matthews Band.
David Sheldon: Well, I'm here with the members of the famed Dave Matthews
Band. Please say hello to Dave Matthews, Francis and Earl. So how did you
all meet?
Francis: I met Earl in 4th grade when he superglued my body to the jungle
gym, and proceeded to fill every one of my orifices with small containers
of half and half.
Mr Matthews: My demonic master, Ha-Urhju, possesed me and brought me into
contact with Francis and Earl.
David: Oh. I see. . . Tell me, what influenced your last album,
"Fantasizing About Furniture Sex?".
Mr Matthews: Those vampiric eunuchs from Italy.
Francis: The construction of the human nasal passages.
Earl: . . .
David: Pardon me Earl, but you haven't said anything yet.
Earl: I. . .must. . .end. . .suffering. . .
David: Oh, my god, Earl! Put the gun down!!!!!!
Earl: (Fires gun into mouth)
David: Help!!!!!!!!
Francis: Oh, wow, little flying men!
Mr Matthews: Where? Where?
David: Mr Matthews, your acordian player just shot himself.
Mr Matthews: Quiet! I'm getting a new idea for our next album.
Francis: Stay on target, stay on target . . .
Mr Matthews: That's it. Get me those Spice Girls on the phone. They're
what this band needs!
Francis: Already on it boss!
David: Mr Matthews, the Spice Girls? Aren't they a bit. . . of a different
audience?
Mr Matthews: Exactly! They're just what we need! GIRL POWER!
Francis: Have I mentioned that I'm a transexual?
David: Oh.
Mr Matthews: I SHALL REND YOUR FLESH FROM ROTTING BONE!!!!! PREPARE TO DIE
MORTAL FOOLS!!!!!! BOW AND SERVE YOUR UNHOLY MASTER!!!!!!!
Francis: He is communing with Ha-Urhja!
David: Mr Matthews, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Mr Matthews: FOOL!!!! YOU SPEAK TO HA-URHJA, 18th INCARNATION OF
THRUKGHAL, DEITY OF SUPREME AGONY. YOU SHALL BEG ME TO END YOUR EXISTANCE
IN A MATTER OF MOMENTS. I AM THE TOTAL LORD OF ALL THhhhhhhhh.........
........ . . . . .
David: Are you all right?
Mr Matthews: I'll be back to my normal self in a MMMBop. Did I mention
that there's a restaraunt in North Carolina called Bojangle's?
Francis: It's run by my wife. . . I mean sister!
David: Well that's all the time we have for today. Next week: Dance of the
Mad Bastards.
Next week: Interview with Dance of the Mad Bastards.
David: We're here in WBJL Studios with the members of Dance of the Mad
Bastards. Say hello to Cancerous Pharynx, Masque of Eternity, Yak Child
and Jon.
Masque of Eternity: Just wanted to say that we're really happy to be here.
Yak Child: Yeah. Usually when we arrive in a city, the National Guard is
sent in to stop us.
Jon: Woah man! Like, that wall man, it's so THERE! Get what I'm saying, man?
David: What bands do you feel have influenced you the most?
Yak Child: Well, definitely both "Flailing Dispossesed Australians" and
"Hootie and the Blowfish".
Cancerous Pharynx: We get a lot of material from everyday occurances. Like
when my parents and neighbors sacrificed me, my brother and 407 Howler
Monkeys as part of a Satanic ritual.
Masque of Eternity: And when I was at ground zero at a nuclear testing site.
Jon: Man, can you hear the colors talkin'? They're everywhere man! Woah,
gotta stop and think. . .
David: Tell me, what are your REAL names?
Cancerous Pharynx: What are you talking about? My parents named me
Cancerous! That's Mr C. Pharynx to you.
Yak Child: True. We use our real names. Well, my real first name is
Yakthorakkinn'kinthk. But everyone calls me Yak for short. But that's
probably because of my sexual preferences.
Jon: Oh man, the world's just dots. Just dots man! Nothing but millions
and millions of little dots. Dots! Don't you realize what this means,
man! It's over, man! Dots, man!
Masque of Eternity: In elementary school the other kids made fun of me.
They called me names just because I was different. Even those men in the
labratory were mean to me. But now that I've harnessed my gifts, I'll be
able to show them all! Muh ha ha ha ha ha ha......! (begins coughing
uncontrollably)
David: Now for our special guest!
Wesley Willis: Yo yo yo! Rock over London, Rock over Chicago, Yotron, the
future of modern computers!
Jon: Woah man, it's him man! I can feel the flowing man! Oh, man. . .
Gaming review: The wonderful world of Palladium: Rifts.
Kevin Siembieda is probably one of the world's greatest/worst game
designers. And nowhere is this more visible in his greatest creation, the
Rifts game.
Kevin Siembieda is a designer who realizes what players like:
variety. Players love to be able to choose from a large variety of
chatacters. TSR has produced the system of "kits" (introduced in The
Fighters Handbook). The Storyteller system, much like the GURPS system, has
a system of merits and flaws. But Kevin has them all beat. Gaming books are
published, full of hundreds of pieces of equipment (these exist for AD&D,
Battle Lords, Shadowrun, plus countless others). Once again, no game
producer has yet to match Mr. Siembieda in sheer volume of optional
equipment available. Some manufacturers even go so far as to make their
games compatable with one another, such as the Storyteller series by White
Wolf, or to make multiple games with the same system (GURPS, Amazing
Engine). But none of these games can stand up to the power of Palladium
games.
One can only guess how many O.C.C.s/R.C.Cs are available for the
Rifts player. Well over one hundred were printed in Rifts World Book 6-10.
A guess of about two hundred O.C.Cs/R.C.Cs is a rather conservative
estimate; 250 sounds more accurate. Every book is jam packed with exciting
and new weapons, armor, vechicles, magical items and other player goodies.
And any one who has learned any Palladium system can play any other with
few problems. Somebody who has only played Robotech can easily adapt to
Rifts, Ninja Turtles, Palladium Fantasy, Heroes Unlimited, Nightbane or
Ninjas and Superspies. Why are more people not playing this incredible
system?
The system is the problem. Never has there been a more ineffective,
annoying or clunkier rules system. Players must keep track of dozens of
modifiers for all sorts of die rolls. Die rolls are required for virtually
every action, and combat is painfully slow. The day Steven Jackson buys the
rights to produce a GURPS version of the Palladium games will be a victory
for gamers all across the world.
Just for the record, yes I have attempted to convert Rifts to a
simpler system (White Wolf's Storyteller System), but gave up (apathy
attack).
Hmm, getting late. AP History exam tomorrow. Sorry this is so
short. Expect more soon, from MR BOJaNGLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would just like to mention that Crazy Egor's retirement still
upsets me greatly. Millennium Games is a sad example of of a gaming store?
What's with them running out of the basics (Black Citadel paint!!!!)