Interviews
I spent another action-packed day at the Greater Rochester Community of Churches today. The entire staff was there today (all 3 of them). They all say "Amen" and "God Bless You" a lot. Creepy . . . Snapcase, yes/no? We should actually buy tickets if we plan to go, and soon. Call me, I only check the email at night. I went on-line earlier tonight, and saw many anti-Hanson web sites. They were all very funny, and they contained "interviews" with the band members. For variety tonight, I'm going to make my own. And here we are, the Interview with the Dave Matthews Band.
David Sheldon: Well, I'm here with the members of the famed Dave Matthews Band. Please say hello to Dave Matthews, Francis and Earl. So how did you all meet?
Francis: I met Earl in 4th grade when he raped me on the playground.
Mr Matthews: My demonic master, Ha-Urhju, possesed me and brought me into contact with Francis and Earl.
David: Oh. I see. . . Tell me, what influenced your last album, "Fantasizing About Furniture Sex?".
Mr Matthews: Those hot eunuchs from Italy.
Francis: The construction of the human nasal passages.
Earl: . . .
David: Pardon me Earl, but you haven't said anything yet.
Earl: I. . .must. . .end. . .suffering. . .
David: Oh, my god, Earl! Put the gun down!!!!!!
Earl: (Fires gun into mouth)
David: Help!!!!!!!!
Francis: Oh, wow, little flying men!
Mr Matthews: Where? Where?
David: Mr Matthews, your acordian player just shot himself.
Mr Matthews: Quiet! I'm getting a new idea for our next album.
Francis: Stay on target, stay on target . . .
Mr Matthews: That's it. Get me those Spice Girls on the phone. They're what this band needs!
Francis: Already on it boss!
David: Mr Matthews, the Spice Girls? Aren't they a bit. . . crappy?
Mr Matthews: Exactly! They're just what we need! GIRL POWER!
Francis: Have I mentioned that I'm a transexual?
David: Oh.
Mr Matthews: I SHALL REND YOUR FLESH FROM ROTTING BONE!!!!! PREPARE TO DIE MORTAL FOOLS!!!!!! BOW AND SERVE YOUR UNHOLY MASTER!!!!!!!
Francis: He is communing with Ha-Urhja!
David: Mr Matthews, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Mr Matthews: FOOL!!!! YOU SPEAK TO HA-URHJA, 18th INCARNATION OF THRUKGHAL, DEITY OF SUPREME AGONY. YOU SHALL BEG ME TO END YOUR EXISTANCE IN A MATTER OF MOMENTS. I AM THE TOTAL LORD OF ALL THhhhhhhhh................. . . . . .
David: Are you all right?
Mr Matthews: I'll be back to my normal self in a MMMBop. Did I mention that there's a restaraunt in North Carolina called Bojangle's?
Francis: It's run by my wife. . . I mean sister!
David: Well that's all the time we have for today. Next week: Dance of the Mad Bastards.
Next week: Interview with Dance of the Mad Bastards.
David: We're here in WBJL Studios with the members of Dance of the Mad Bastards. Say hello to Cancerous Pharynx, Masque of Eternity, Yak Child and Jon.
Masque of Eternity: Just wanted to say that we're really happy to be here.
Yak Child: Yeah. Usually when we arrive in a city, the National Guard is sent in to stop us.
Jon: Woah man! Like, that wall man, it's so THERE! Get what I'm saying, man?
David: What bands do you feel have influenced you the most?
Yak Child: Well, definitely both Vampiric Snail Sisters and Hootie and the Blowfish.
Cancerous Pharynx: We get a lot of material from everyday occurances. Like when I got drunk in the zoo and tried to rape the elephant.
Masque of Eternity: And when I was at ground zero at a nuclear testing site.
Jon: Man, can you hear the colors talkin'? They're everywhere man! Woah, gotta stop and think. . .
David: Tell me, what are your REAL names?
Cancerous Pharynx: What are you talking about? My parents named me Cancerous! That's Mr C. Pharynx to you.
Yak Child: True. We use our real names. These aren't our stage names.
Jon: Oh man, the world's just dots. Just dots man! Nothing but millions and millions of little dots. Dots! Don't you realize what this means, man! It's over, man! Dots, man!
Masque of Eternity: In elementary school the other kids made fun of me. They called me stupid just because I was different. But I showed them. I showed them all!
David: Now for our special guest!
Wesley Willis: Yo yo yo! Rock over London, Rock over Chicago, Yotron, the future of modern computers!
Jon: Woah man, it's him man! I can feel the flowing man! Oh, man. . .
-David Sheldon
This new "If I Was gOD" stack is so amazing. You'll have to see it, and soon! I use that mighty amazing animation, and have those David-style graphics. I even have Yotron guest star in one part. I haven't finished it yet. Right now me and Yotron are at the Hub, along with Jay, the evil barista.
Part III: Of Extreme Carnage
Huang Po: This movie is getting pretty tedious, Sam.Joey: Welcome to another great show put on by Steve Dumont and the Rightous Christians! They performed at the Water Street Music Hall on July 2, 1996.
Static, clears up. Cheering
Steve: Hi everybody!
Cheering
Steve: Before I perform, I'd like everyone to follow me in the Lord's Prayer.
Confusion, shouting
Steve: Oh. In that case lets go straight to the music. Hit it guys!
Harpsicord, Banjo and Triangle begin to play
Steve: Rockin' to the beat Our first song is called "We Are All His Children".
Music begins
Steve:
Time to go to bed,
David Sheldon
Hola Sam! As I write this, you are sitting less than a foot from me. After you read this, you must then forget everything you have just read. I know you are reading this as I write it! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE Ah ha!
Interview with "Cradle of Filth"
David Sheldon: Hello, faithful listeners. I'm here in WBJL studios with the members of "Cradle of Filth": Misshapen Lord, Urinary Tract Infection, Lungs of Shrapnel and Carnivorous Psychosis!
Carnivorous Psychosis: Just thought we'd stop in before our concert tonight!
Misshapen Lord: Yeah, we're big fans of your station.
Lungs of Shrapnel: I'm especially fond of your preview of child/incest/fetish magazines! Without you I'd never know what to buy.
David: Uh, you seem to have the wrong station. . .
Urinary Tract Infection: You callin' my man a liar? You steppin'?
David: Please sit down, Mr Infection. Don't get all worked up. It's just that we don't broadcast any such program.
Carnivorous Psychosis: Sorry. It's probably all the morphine and crack we constantly abuse.
Lungs of Shrapnel: Oh, I just had my tongue pierced for the 19th time.
Misshapen Lord: Want to see me lift weights with my genital chain?
David: No, thank you. Tell me, what are your views on religion?
Urinary Tract Infection: I used to believe in God, but after I killed myself, and didn't return from the grave, I gave that up.
Carnivorous Psychosis: I'm a practicing Scientologist. In fact, I'm actually L. Ron Hubbard in disguise whips off mask. I've been hiding out like this for years to escape the IRS.
Misshapen Lord: We're actually all major religous figures in disguise. Removes mask, reveals himself to be Father Divine
David: Father Divine! I thought you died in the '50's.
Urinary Tract Infection: I'm actually Reverend Syung Mung Moon.
Lungs of Shrapnel: Woah! I'm just an ordinary death-rocker with an I.Q. of 43 and a bass guitar. Cool!!!!!!
David: I'm calling the police.
Hope you heard the Snapcase concert,
Yotron (David is dead)
Because you didn't hear Snapcase live on WBER, I thought you might enjoy me telling you just how impressive they sound live. First the music is exactly the same as they recorded it. No improv., no special guitar riffs. But that's okay. It gives you more time to enjoy Daryl's voice. He'll be talking about how he wants everyone at the concert to feel welcome in a perfectly normal voice, and he'll suddenly leap into the vocals of a song that are on a par with Earth Crisis. No, it's cool, really! Daryl asks the audience to sing along with him on about half the songs. The first song they performed was "Incarnation". Daryl screamed "INCARNATION", only to have it repeated about 5 times by the audience! Very amazing! I wonder if I'll be able to bring Yotron. Probably not. He might crack his screen moshing, or get trampled, or something horrid like that.
I'm taking a break from interviewing bands. Today we have. . .
David: I'm here at Perkin's with the famed manager, Senor Angriness and his assistant manager, Angriness Man.
Angriness Man: What can I get you to drink?
David: Um, nothing, thank you.
Angriness Man: If you don't buy anything, I'll have to ask you to leave!
Senor Angriness: It's okay, Angriness Man. Remember, he's interviewing us.
Angriness Man: Oh. Okay.
David: How do you respond to accusations that the food you sell at Perkin's, especially the pie, causes projectile vomiting. I myself have cleared over 50 feet after eating 1/2 an apple pie
Senor Angriness: I have to knoweledge of these events ever occurring.
David: I believe there are over 20 recorded incidents. Come on, you must know something?
Angriness Man: Fool, the pies are eat are made with the rotting bodies of the Lost Children of Hkuly”llfr! Your damnation is assured! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Senor Angriness: Yes! When the Dark Master returns, he will feed upon your corrupted souls. And he will transform me into the Screaming Marrow Angel, where I will have unlimited power! Doomed, Doomed, Doomed!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Angriness Man: Don't forget He Who Devours Eternally, the multi-tentacled demon from the QkciÒ¸tidkfyt dimension, who currently resides in my body.
David: Let me get this straight. The entire reason Perkin's exists is to guarantee humanity's damnation?
Angriness Man: Yes.
Senor Angriness: Exactly.
David: So why does Perkin's smell so bad, all the time?
Senor Angriness: It's a side effect of me urinating into the coffee. You see, I'm nitrogen based. . .
David: Well, that's all we have time for. Next week: The Hub
David Sheldon
AMAZING FACT!: The word dificul is very similar to the word "Reficul", which happens to be Lucifer spelled backwards? A coincidence! I fear it is. . I've begun a new stack! Yes, it's the amazing Jim "The Psycho" Shapiro stack! Jim tells you exactly what he will do to those insurance companies, as the box in the background tells you exactly what kinds of cases Mr Shapiro handles (Uranium ingestion, spontanous combustion, etc.) He even has extremely (un)realistic mouth moving action! Remember, every email that you don't send to david.sheldon@usa.net makes Mr Shapiro see red!
Oh, I love ResEdit SO MUCH!!!!!! I've managed to create Bundle Champs from the Karate Champs game! It has amazing snake-fist powers!
David's interview with the manager of the Starbucks at 680 Monroe Avenue (opposite the Hub).
David: I'm here with Thrr¸yrishth, The Vile Lord of Stagnation, manager of Starbucks.
Thrr¸yrishth: Glad to have you here, David. I'd like to explain how Starbucks has absolutely no interest in taking any of the Hub's business.
David: I see. The free samples available on the street are just. . .?
Thrr¸yrishth: A public service.
David: And the free coupons in the City paper, reedemable ONLY at your location?
Thrr¸yrishth: A public service.
David: What about the bomb threats called in on the Hub?
Thrr¸yrishth: I have no knoweledge of those events.
David: So, do you believe that these two coffee houses can both be prosporous?
Thrr¸yrishth: YES! It was merely coincidence that we opened directly across the street from the Hub.
David: I've heard rumuors that your coffee is actually made of pureed rats, left to rot and mold for 666 days in Orh”irllsjiewee, the Land Where Dumont Reigns, until it achieves intelligence.
Thrr¸yrishth: Untrue. We only allow it to decompose for 235 days, or until L. Ron Hubbards birthday.
David: I think this is beginning to suck. Call me to help arrange Hub night.
Yo ho ho
Yo ho ho
I'm a pirate, don't you know
Some pirates are awfully mean
But I'm a happy pirate
I laugh
Ha ha
A hee hee hee
Won't you come and laugh with me?
Ha ha
A hee hee hee
I'm a happy pirate
I'm a singing pirate
I'm a dancing pirate
I"M A HAPPY PIRATE
-Gary the Bojangleicous Swashbuckler